Okay, I have thought, thought about this day, when we were pregnant and we could share it with everyone we love. However, it is bittersweet. It comes with such joy and loss.
This March, Mitch and I agreed that we were ready to try for a family. I remember being so excited. Well, low and behold one month later, I was four days late.... we were pregnant! I went to the doctor, did blood, and they called to confirm. Ok, well here we go! We were nervous, excited, giddy, full of emotion. We started planning how we would tell our families.... and so. A few days later we made these sweet frames, with a pic of the pregnancy test in them and shared the good news. No one knew we were trying, so the utter excitement was amazing. I remember laying in bed planning everything in my head, nurseries, maternity clothes, and so on. I called my OB and was scheduled an appointment in three weeks, which would have been eight weeks. One week later (6 1/2 weeks pregnant) I started spotting and just knew something was wrong. Nervous, and worried we decided to go to the ER to see what was going on. After, the longest, coldest night possible, It was confirmed that I was miscarrying. There was nothing on the ultrasound and when the doctor told me my levels had dropped meaning I wasn't pregnant anymore, I just wanted to throw up. The following week we went to see my ob and she was optimistic. Saying that it happens and I'm young and no reason to worry, that I didn't need hormones and one miscarriage is common. We decided to take a month to grieve and recenter. It was a long month of anger and confusion, but we got through it.
So, after taking a month off we decided to try again. I will say, the excitement was less this time, and was replaced with nerves and sorrow. I couldn't get it out of my mind that it would happen again. Well, low and behold after a month, we got pregnant again. Well this time I was on it, not only did I schedule an appointment with one of the top infertility OB's in town, but the day I found out and every other day after that I had my levels checked to see if my HCG was growing. I have learned that when you are pregnant the hormone HCG is suppose to double ever 48hours in the first few months. If not, then there is something wrong. From the second draw, there were red flags. My levels never doubled yet grew a little each time. I felt like I was being teased, or a part of some sick joke. This went on for two weeks, and when I was "six" weeks pregnant they sent me in for an ultrasound to see if there was anything. Once again, there was nothing. At this time, I was still with my old OB, who was nice, just not aggressive enough. This time she did prescribe me some hormones (after she told me a month before that I didn't need them and one miscarriage is common), but it was too late. This pregnancy was already failing. I had scheduled the appointment with Dr. Swanson my new OB after the first miscarriage two months prior, but he is so hard to get in to, that it was barley coming up. Normally, you wouldn't see the doctor first when you are pregnant, but I knew something was wrong, so I called his office and laid it all out for them. They said that he agreed to see me. I was so relieved. I felt if anyone could help, he could.
So recap, I am pregnant for the second time in three months, and it isn't going well. I am approaching the 6 1/2-7 week mark where I miscarried the first time and I am a wreck. I am living from lab result to lab result. Hoping that this baby is a slow starter and will catch up, knowing in my heart that there is something wrong. I saw Dr. Swanson when I was 6 1/2 weeks and my level was only at 470, by this time it should have been at least 2,000-5,000. I told him the whole story and gave him all my medical records. He was knowledgeable and blunt. He said that most likely, I would have to have a D&C, which is a medical abortion. That obviously something was wrong, and he was going to figure it out. As much as I knew this pregnancy wasn't working, it killed me the thought of having to make the decision to end it. We agreed we would do one more lab draw and let the levels tell us which way to go. It's horrible to say, but I prayed that the level would either double perfectly or drop, which would mean I was miscarrying again naturally. I needed an answer. I couldn't so it on my own. Well, the call came, my levels dropped. It was official, I was about to have my second miscarriage in three months. I was done. I told Dr. Swanson I didn't know how many more times I could do this. He assured me we would do some testing and we would figure it out. He named two things right off the bat that he suspected: my thyroid or a blood clotting disorder. I didn't even know what either meant, but I was optimistic to get answers. So off I went to give more blood. Ten viles! I swear he tested for everything, and I am thankful for that. Two weeks later, I went in to learn that I have two genetic blood clotting disorders: Factor V Liden and MTHFR. That appointment was a blur to me. He was talking about what I had, what I needed to do, what I shouldn't do, etc. I left when 5 prescriptions and hope.
Well, after the blur lifted I started to realize what this meant. Not only is there a risk to the baby for clots, but for me as well. I would have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life and daily shots to sustain a pregnancy. What was happening was, when I would get pregnant and the egg would attach, your body naturally produces more blood, and my body was sending clots which were attacking the egg. The clots would slowly attack the egg, not letting it grow. So with blood thinners, and hormones, my blood cannot clot and the baby SHOULD be OK.One blood thinner I would have to take is a daily shot of Lovenox. The thought of injecting myself, did not sit easy with me, but if it will help to keep the baby safe I was willing to do anything.
I felt encouraged, but still cautious. We tried again, and once again got a positive test. However, I wouldn't let my heart believe or get excited, because I couldn't get hurt again. I know it's horrible to not get excited about a baby, but it's like a car accident or getting burned. You are never the same. I wish I was naive as I was in March, but I now know too much and have seen how quick things can be taken. Each blood draw, I held my breath, and each came back perfect. When we went in for the first ultrasound, I just knew nothing was going to be there, and when the lady showed me that tiny little beating heart I lost it. I started to get excited, but still held back. The 6 1/2 week mark approached, I was a wreck just waiting for a boom to fall. I will say, I am almost 15 weeks and so far besides a small bleed, everything has been OK. I still worry daily, actually every second. I know I am suppose to enjoy being pregnant, but I can't help but worry. I know that there is always a risk to me and the baby with clots and there is a risk of stillborn, but I have decided to be thankful for each day. I am getting excited and starting to believe that in May there will be our own little one here! For now, today I am pregnant, and that's all I can do is have faith and take all of my medicine.
Well, that's it. I swear it seems like the longest eight months, but there is a rainbow at the end of this storm!
With love,
M, S, and Baby A!
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